


Two Hearts

by kesdax



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Gen, post episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28629384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kesdax/pseuds/kesdax
Summary: "Are you still angry with me?"*Yaz and the Doctor have a chat postRevolution of the Daleks.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 106





	Two Hearts

"Are you still angry with me?"

It had been so long since either of them had spoken - since Ryan and Graham had said goodbye and walked out of the TARDIS forever, since the Doctor had sent them hurling through time and space, promising everywhere and going nowhere - that Yaz nearly jumped.

She had been staring at those golden crystal columns, lost in thought. Thoughts of how she had feared she would never see them again, of the stubborn, aching hope that she would.

Yaz let out a long, lingering sigh and still could not quite meet the Doctor's gaze. "I wasn't angry."

The Doctor let out an almost inaudible "ah" that contradicted the confusion on her face.

"So that was a 'happy to see me' shove then, was it?"

There wasn't any accusation in her tone, none of her own anger - which Yaz found almost painful to hear. Once again the Doctor was doing her best - and her best was  _ always _ so good - at hiding her emotions, at hiding the truth. Anything real was always so wrapped up tight in bizarre alien enthusiasm it was impossible to find.

"Fine," Yaz bit out the word like something getting smacked with a whip. "I was angry. It was ten months. We didn't know where you were. What had happened. I thought you were-"

She couldn't bring herself to say it.  _ Dead. _ The fear that had lingered in her heart for ten months, that she had refused to say aloud and refused to hear whenever Ryan or Graham braved to speak it.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor said, sounding and looking it.

"I know."

She'd said it enough over the last hectic hours while trying to stop a Dalek invasion. The guilt was written on her face. That she'd even suggested going back in time to change things said it all.

"How long were you in space jail?" Yaz asked. What she really wanted to know was  _ what for _ , but she didn't think the Doctor would be open to revealing that.

"Ooh a couple of decades. Just a blip in the grand scale of a Time Lord's life."

She tried to sound cheery about it, but Yaz could tell the question, and the answer, had stung.

"I'm surprised you even remembered us after all that time," Yaz spoke casually. Like she didnt care one way or the other.

"You were all I thought about."

Yaz's heart caught in her throat and her gaze finally met the other woman's. This beautiful, strange alien who looked so human but very definitely wasn't.

The Doctor's eyes widened slightly in response and Yaz knew she had failed to keep her own emotions in check. Whatever was broadcasting on her face, the Doctor could see clearly and was too slow to entirely hide her surprise at the realisation.

"All of you," she said quickly. "My fam."

"Right," said Yaz. "Yeah."

"Space jail was dead boring," she added. Her voice had that rambling quality to it that reminded Yaz of a train going off its rails. "And the food was terrible. Not a fried egg sandwich in sight. I did make good friends with a practically flirtatious security camera. She was a sly one. Always peeking where she shouldn't..."

There was a noise, not quite a hum but close, that issued around them. Seeming to come from nowhere but everywhere at the same time. The Doctor glanced at the console, her mouth snapping firmly shut before returning to Yaz with a sheepish shrug. This was not the first time Yaz had witnessed the peculiar, almost silent communication between the Doctor and her time ship. And even now Yaz couldn't be sure she wasn't just imagining it. There was something about thinking of the TARDIS as  _ alive _ that unnerved her.

"Sounds rough," she said, pushing her feelings of unease aside.

They fell into an awkward silence. Far more prominent now that Ryan and Graham were gone. The boys had been good at filling the silence with nonsense chatter. It had been so easy for Yaz to fall in with it. To smile. To keep her gaze from the Doctor where it so often longed to stay.

Now all she could do was scatter her gaze, searching desperately for something to say that wouldn't betray her.

"I saw the other TARDIS, Yaz." The Doctor had grown serious again and it was that seriousness that had Yaz's heart beating faster. She felt sick and really wished the TARDIS would land somewhere, anywhere, where bad things were happening and the Doctor could be distracted as she dealt with an alien invasion or a supernova or some weird mutated creature trying to eat everything. Anything more interesting than Yaz.

"Those were a lot of notes. A lot of work."

Yaz shrugged, leaning back against a crystal column and staring down at her feet. Staring hard. Hoping the conversation would end if she concentrated just a little bit more.

"Yaz..." Soft, questioning.  _ Serious. _

Yaz shrugged again. "I thought... I thought I could..."

What? Ryan and Graham had been right. There hadn't been any carefully hidden clues left for them to find. No secret messages telling them how to work the TARDIS. No clever trail that would lead them back to the Doctor.

"Thank you," the Doctor said. Yaz blinked in surprise. "For not giving up on me. Even after so much time."

Yaz didn't know what to say. Her eyes stung, filling with water that she hoped the Doctor wouldn't see, her cheeks burning red. She had been such a fool, these last ten months. Looking for something impossible. Ignoring the world outside. Ignoring her family. She hadn't spoken to or seen them in months. Definitely failed her probation and was likely to never be back on the police force after so long away.

But here, in the TARDIS she had begun to think of as a home that had been ruthlessly taken from her, with the Doctor gazing at her with shining eyes that looked both surprised and so so very grateful, Yaz knew those ten months of searching had not been entirely fruitless. She may have found nothing, but the Doctor... Two decades in prison, alone with nothing but her own thoughts - those ten months worth of notes that Yaz had hastily scribbled had made all that time worth it.

Lost in thought, the Doctor was suddenly before her without Yaz even seeing her move. Their eyes met, locked on like there was gravity involved, a pull that could not be swayed. Yaz felt her breath catch in her throat, watched as the Doctor opened her mouth, then immediately close it again, hushing the nonsense that would pour out to fill the silence. She swallowed. Looked at Yaz like she was a supernova: beautiful and painful and rare.

Yaz couldn't take it. Thought she would burn up herself from that gaze and what it could mean. If it meant anything at all.

The Doctor's body gave a violent jerk, like she was about to reach out and touch Yaz before abruptly stopping herself. Instead, she leant against the column by Yaz's side, their arms brushing against each other. Warm and real.  _ There. _ After ten months of dreaming she had only imagined her, Yaz nearly wept.

"Will they be alright?" Yaz asked, eager to find something else to talk about.

"Oh," said the Doctor with a grin, "they'll be brilliant."

Yaz could only agree. She couldn't imagine ever leaving this life and it had been such a shock when Ryan said he was staying on Earth. An unimaginable thought to Yaz. Unthinkable. She had only just got the Doctor back, why would she leave her now? But Ryan wasn't Yaz. He had a life, friends that he'd gone back to during those ten months without the Doctor. He'd accepted the loss quicker than Yaz cared to admit. Had moved on. And Graham... Graham would never abandon his grandson. His decision to stay had been made the moment Ryan opened his mouth.

She would miss them. They both would.

Yaz eyed the Doctor at her side, seeing her in profile but it was enough to see the sadness.  _ Two hearts. One happy. One sad. _

How many had there been? How many people like Yaz and Ryan had the Doctor swept up over the years, whisking them through time and space? How many, like Ryan and Graham, had left of their own accord?

And what about those that had no choice in the matter?

Yaz shivered, remembering Jack's casual reference to an old friend of the Doctor's. The girl who had become lost in another universe. What was her name? Yaz couldn't remember. It lay hidden somewhere on the tip of her tongue, teasing her. She wished Jack was still here. Wished she had more time alone with him to ask all the questions that burned in her heart.

But he'd stayed behind too.

"How many?" Yaz blurted before she could stop herself. The question was so out of context she thought she would have to explain. But the Doctor stiffened beside her. Going rigid and cold and she knew her meaning had been clear.

This was a line that had never been crossed before. One carefully drawn in the sand by the Doctor herself. Yaz and Ryan and Graham and always heeded the line, maybe stepping a toe over it every now and then, but always retreating back to their own side. Now Yaz was stepping right over it. Her shoes scuffing the line until it was gone.

"Too many," the Doctor whispered. There was something low and cold and threatening in her voice. A warning for Yaz not to push any further. Yaz almost heeded it. Almost retreated back into herself like she always did. But something gave her strength. Ten months of waiting, of searching, of not knowing - it was a feeling Yaz never wanted to experience again.

"And how many left, like Ryan and Graham - because they wanted to?"

The Doctor let out a breath, almost a sigh. "Some."

"And the others?"

"Yaz," the Doctor warned, turning her head to the side so that Yaz could see the pain in her eyes. Raw and recent despite all of time and space.

"Tell me," Yaz said furiously. For some reason, she needed to know. Needed to know what fate awaited her now that she had decided to stay.  _ Now that she had decided never to leave. _

"I never hid that this life -  _ my _ life - was dangerous."

Yaz nodded. The Doctor had warned them and Yaz had seen it for herself that first night they had met.

"Sometimes... sometimes I can't save everyone. People get lost. Ripped away. And there's nothing I can do."

Her eyes were stinging again and this time Yaz couldn't stop the tears from falling.

"I don't want that to happen to you. To anyone. But-"

A sharp intake of breath and the Doctor looked away.

"But you can't stand being alone."

Yaz hadn't meant to speak aloud, yet the moment she did she knew it was the truth. It was the most human thing about the Doctor. The first real thing Yaz had seen in her. Because she saw it in herself too.

The Doctor didn't nod or confirm it in any way, but her silence spoke volumes.

"You're not alone, Doctor." Somehow, merely saying it didn't feel like enough. Yaz reached out, found the Doctor's hand and clasped it in her own. A held breath as she awaited the Doctor's reaction and then it sighed out with relief as she felt the Doctor squeezing tight. Tight like she would never let go.

"I don't know if I can keep you safe." It was uttered like a confession and almost broke Yaz's heart.

"No one can promise that," Yaz said wisely. She may not have been to her job in months, may not have finished her probation, but her time on the police force had taught her no one was ever safe. Safety was an illusion that was often broken. "We'll keep each other safe, as best we can."

It was all they could do and it was a promise they would both keep.

The Doctor looked at their joined hands then up at Yaz with a smile. There was a whole universe in that smile. It promised wonder and hope and all the colours of the rainbow. Yaz shivered with anticipation.

"So... Yasmin Khan. All of time and space. Everything that ever happened or ever will. Where do you fancy?"

Yaz grinned, watching as the Doctor let go of her hand and skipped towards the console. Buttons were pushed, dials spun and the lights seemed to get brighter. So much choice before her. So much to see. But Yaz didn't care where they went. As long as she was with the Doctor, it didn't matter where or when, she knew it would be amazing.

"How about that meringue place then?" Yaz suggested when nothing else came to mind. The grin the Doctor shot her from the other side of the console warmed her.

"Brilliant!" The Doctor exclaimed, then grew quickly serious as she added: "Just don't eat the waiters. They get terribly cross."

The voice of experience and Yaz could only give a puzzled smile of indulgence as she debated whether or not she wanted to hear the tale behind that particular knowledge.

More buttons were pressed and the Doctor's hand came to rest upon the lever that would hurtle them through time and space. Her gaze met Yaz's once again, all humour and glee at finally moving had vanished. The look was so intense Yaz didn't dare blink.

"I'm really glad you stayed, Yaz."

"Me too,” said Yaz.

And then they were off.


End file.
